Today was one of those where I wanted to throw in the towel. ENOUGH! ALL DONE!! Ooh, I was tempted. It was one of those days where I just really felt defeated as a parent, ever have those days?? What I wouldn't GIVE to be able to lay on the floor and kick and scream like 2 of my 3 children decided to do today. There's probably something about that release of emotion that is freeing. At least I tell myself that when I watch my boys (or mostly my 4.5 year old) do this over and over today.
I took on a teaching job at my former school today. A school where I worked for 9 years, a school that eventually lead me to quit my job and stay at home with my kids and just do subbing here and there. It was a rough day. A day that reminded me just why I quit my job there. Driving home to pick up my boys from the baby-sitters, I was trying to shake off the feelings of defeat as it was a tough tough day and I just felt really down. I just wanted to get home to see my kids. Being around them and hugging them after not seeing them all day always does something to my soul. When I got to the baby-sitter, I go right up to T and ruffle up his hair. He turns and takes one look at me and melts down yelling and crying, "I don't want to go! I don't want to go!". He keeps saying this as he is slithering all over the floor. I was SO embarrassed! But also on the verge of tears. I had to carry him out to the car (remember, he is 4.5, I'm not talking about my nearly 2 year old). Hello son, happy to see you too!
Just one of those days where I feel like I just am not making it in any of the areas of my life. I hate feeling like this and praying that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a fresh new day. A new start. It can only get better right?
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Ache of loss
Yesterday was such a special day in our family. My "little sister" had her first baby, a sweet little girl! I felt like a mother all day, worrying about her, especially when I didn't hear any news for about 6 hours (that was especially hard for someone like me!), and when I did finally get the call from my sister, I felt like a proud mother. Not a proud sister, a proud mother. Weird.
I never have felt like a "mother" to my little sister before. Sure, when my mom died, she was only 9 years old whereas my older sister and I were 13 and 15. We were more capable of handling more responsibilities like cleaning the house, making dinners, but our most important task usually ended up being taking care of my little sister. But still in all that, it was never a "mothering" that I did, she always felt like my little sister.
Something shifted yesterday after my niece was born. Maybe it's due to the fact that I so completely remember giving birth for the first time and feeling so lost and wondering, "Okay, what do I do now?" I know a lot of moms feel this, maybe even some of them who do have mothers of their own. But for me it was more of this huge void at the thought that I didn't have my mom to turn to or to call up in the middle of the night or to cry my eyes out to when I was going through Post partum depression. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mom like my own mom, but I had no idea what that should be. Everyone always tells me how my mom was so wonderful with babies and children and was often the one people went to to ask for advice or encouragement. And I didn't have that.
Yesterday, I had so many people saying to me, "Oh I'm so glad she has you to go to!! You're a pro, having done it 3 times", but in my mind I kept thinking, "I'm not the one she should turn to!" My mom should be here. That ache is back again. That ache that comes back whenever something big happens or her absence is felt so strongly again. How I still long for my mom to be here so I can call her up and ask her questions or just rely on her amazing faith and encouragement in the tough, intense seasons as a parent (which I am in right now).
But not only do I ache for what myself and what my younger sister is now missing with being a mom without her own mother here, but I ache for what my mom is missing. Her grand babies would have been HER LIFE! I know she would have enjoyed them so much and it makes me sad to know that she is not here to enjoy them. And now this new precious little baby is here. Mom, don't worry. I will try my best. Even though I feel so incredibly inadequate and not sure of myself in my parenting a lot, I will love on that little girl and give my sister the encouragement and support that I'm sure you would have given.
I never have felt like a "mother" to my little sister before. Sure, when my mom died, she was only 9 years old whereas my older sister and I were 13 and 15. We were more capable of handling more responsibilities like cleaning the house, making dinners, but our most important task usually ended up being taking care of my little sister. But still in all that, it was never a "mothering" that I did, she always felt like my little sister.
Something shifted yesterday after my niece was born. Maybe it's due to the fact that I so completely remember giving birth for the first time and feeling so lost and wondering, "Okay, what do I do now?" I know a lot of moms feel this, maybe even some of them who do have mothers of their own. But for me it was more of this huge void at the thought that I didn't have my mom to turn to or to call up in the middle of the night or to cry my eyes out to when I was going through Post partum depression. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mom like my own mom, but I had no idea what that should be. Everyone always tells me how my mom was so wonderful with babies and children and was often the one people went to to ask for advice or encouragement. And I didn't have that.
Yesterday, I had so many people saying to me, "Oh I'm so glad she has you to go to!! You're a pro, having done it 3 times", but in my mind I kept thinking, "I'm not the one she should turn to!" My mom should be here. That ache is back again. That ache that comes back whenever something big happens or her absence is felt so strongly again. How I still long for my mom to be here so I can call her up and ask her questions or just rely on her amazing faith and encouragement in the tough, intense seasons as a parent (which I am in right now).
But not only do I ache for what myself and what my younger sister is now missing with being a mom without her own mother here, but I ache for what my mom is missing. Her grand babies would have been HER LIFE! I know she would have enjoyed them so much and it makes me sad to know that she is not here to enjoy them. And now this new precious little baby is here. Mom, don't worry. I will try my best. Even though I feel so incredibly inadequate and not sure of myself in my parenting a lot, I will love on that little girl and give my sister the encouragement and support that I'm sure you would have given.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Nana Banana
Before Sophie was born, we decided that we'd refer to my mom as "Nana". I talk about Nana to my kids a lot, show pictures of her to them and share stories about things Nana would do or say. Sophie just loves hearing stories about her and asks lots of questions about her. Tanner knows who Nana is but at the age of 4, his range of talking about her goes from "She had curly hair" to "She's dead" (and he says it so matter of factly!) Now Jonas, well of course he really doesn't have a clue at all! Today, I was having a deep(er) conversation with the kids about Nana. I was saying how much I missed her and that she would just LOVE playing with them because she was always the one who loved being around kids. It was a pretty touching conversation as the 2 older kids were asking questions about her. Then Tanner turns to Jonas and says, "Do you wish you knew Nana?" And Jonas stares at him and starts running towards the kitchen yelling, "Nana! Nana" and pointing emphatically at the bananas...
Who am I?
I never thought I would be one to "bare all" in the land of the blogs. I had a blog once but I never really kept up with it and to be honest, it was just a bunch of rambling that I did and even I got tired of it. Lately I've been feeling like I needed a place to be real, to be "raw" and to express my inadequacies as a mom that stem from the loss of my own mother at a real young age.
I am a mom to 3 wonderful children (Daughter S-7, Son T-4, and Son J-1), a wife to a hard-working and dedicated husband, and am currently balancing life as a mom at home and as a teacher. I struggle with finding the balance between "how much is too much" in regards to how many sub jobs I pick up, and always the mommy guilt of "am I doing the best for my kids"?
However, the main purpose of this blog is to share with you my daily struggles/triumphs as a mom and how each day is filled with situations that leave me either patting myself on the back or curled up in a fetal position on my bed. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing and yet all these young moms are coming to me asking me for advice because I seem to "have it all together". Yah right.
When I was 13 years old, my mom passed away after a short battle with melanoma. She left a husband and 3 daughters, aged 15, 13 (me), and 9. My life has been forever changed by her loss and it is something that has shaped every area of my life, for the good and bad. When I became a mother, I felt that wound being split open even wider as I realized what a gaping hole I had in my life. Holding my brand-new daughter for the first time and looking into her little eyes, it became apparent to me how much I didn't know about being a mom and that I didn't have my mom to go to for help or wisdom or advice. I had no mom to call to help me figure out why my 6 week old baby continued to scream and cry for 18 hrs a day, I had no mom to come and help me with my colicy baby when my husband went back to work after 2 weeks off. And I had no mom to call to say, "What did you do?"
Becoming a motherless mother comes with it's own baggage. The fears of me not being there for my own children, the fear that creeps up when your child says they have a headache and you immediately think "Cancer!". The fears of waiting for your daughter to come out of the school at the end of the day and she never comes out and you think "Kidnapped!" when really she forgot you were picking her up and she got on the bus. How I cram every little detail about things the kids say and do into their baby books (which now have become toddler books and children books) because "one day when I'm not here I want them to know all this stuff because I didn't have it and now there's no one to ask about it". Losing my mom has shaped my life in every way and this blog will be real and raw and honest. This is NOT who I am and typically want to keep it all in and show that I've got it all together, but this is what it is. No hiding!
I am a mom to 3 wonderful children (Daughter S-7, Son T-4, and Son J-1), a wife to a hard-working and dedicated husband, and am currently balancing life as a mom at home and as a teacher. I struggle with finding the balance between "how much is too much" in regards to how many sub jobs I pick up, and always the mommy guilt of "am I doing the best for my kids"?
However, the main purpose of this blog is to share with you my daily struggles/triumphs as a mom and how each day is filled with situations that leave me either patting myself on the back or curled up in a fetal position on my bed. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing and yet all these young moms are coming to me asking me for advice because I seem to "have it all together". Yah right.
When I was 13 years old, my mom passed away after a short battle with melanoma. She left a husband and 3 daughters, aged 15, 13 (me), and 9. My life has been forever changed by her loss and it is something that has shaped every area of my life, for the good and bad. When I became a mother, I felt that wound being split open even wider as I realized what a gaping hole I had in my life. Holding my brand-new daughter for the first time and looking into her little eyes, it became apparent to me how much I didn't know about being a mom and that I didn't have my mom to go to for help or wisdom or advice. I had no mom to call to help me figure out why my 6 week old baby continued to scream and cry for 18 hrs a day, I had no mom to come and help me with my colicy baby when my husband went back to work after 2 weeks off. And I had no mom to call to say, "What did you do?"
Becoming a motherless mother comes with it's own baggage. The fears of me not being there for my own children, the fear that creeps up when your child says they have a headache and you immediately think "Cancer!". The fears of waiting for your daughter to come out of the school at the end of the day and she never comes out and you think "Kidnapped!" when really she forgot you were picking her up and she got on the bus. How I cram every little detail about things the kids say and do into their baby books (which now have become toddler books and children books) because "one day when I'm not here I want them to know all this stuff because I didn't have it and now there's no one to ask about it". Losing my mom has shaped my life in every way and this blog will be real and raw and honest. This is NOT who I am and typically want to keep it all in and show that I've got it all together, but this is what it is. No hiding!
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