I never thought I would be one to "bare all" in the land of the blogs. I had a blog once but I never really kept up with it and to be honest, it was just a bunch of rambling that I did and even I got tired of it. Lately I've been feeling like I needed a place to be real, to be "raw" and to express my inadequacies as a mom that stem from the loss of my own mother at a real young age.
I am a mom to 3 wonderful children (Daughter S-7, Son T-4, and Son J-1), a wife to a hard-working and dedicated husband, and am currently balancing life as a mom at home and as a teacher. I struggle with finding the balance between "how much is too much" in regards to how many sub jobs I pick up, and always the mommy guilt of "am I doing the best for my kids"?
However, the main purpose of this blog is to share with you my daily struggles/triumphs as a mom and how each day is filled with situations that leave me either patting myself on the back or curled up in a fetal position on my bed. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing and yet all these young moms are coming to me asking me for advice because I seem to "have it all together". Yah right.
When I was 13 years old, my mom passed away after a short battle with melanoma. She left a husband and 3 daughters, aged 15, 13 (me), and 9. My life has been forever changed by her loss and it is something that has shaped every area of my life, for the good and bad. When I became a mother, I felt that wound being split open even wider as I realized what a gaping hole I had in my life. Holding my brand-new daughter for the first time and looking into her little eyes, it became apparent to me how much I didn't know about being a mom and that I didn't have my mom to go to for help or wisdom or advice. I had no mom to call to help me figure out why my 6 week old baby continued to scream and cry for 18 hrs a day, I had no mom to come and help me with my colicy baby when my husband went back to work after 2 weeks off. And I had no mom to call to say, "What did you do?"
Becoming a motherless mother comes with it's own baggage. The fears of me not being there for my own children, the fear that creeps up when your child says they have a headache and you immediately think "Cancer!". The fears of waiting for your daughter to come out of the school at the end of the day and she never comes out and you think "Kidnapped!" when really she forgot you were picking her up and she got on the bus. How I cram every little detail about things the kids say and do into their baby books (which now have become toddler books and children books) because "one day when I'm not here I want them to know all this stuff because I didn't have it and now there's no one to ask about it". Losing my mom has shaped my life in every way and this blog will be real and raw and honest. This is NOT who I am and typically want to keep it all in and show that I've got it all together, but this is what it is. No hiding!
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