Ache of loss

Yesterday was such a special day in our family.  My "little sister" had her first baby, a sweet little girl!  I felt like a mother all day, worrying about her, especially when I didn't hear any news for about 6 hours (that was especially hard for someone like me!), and when I did finally get the call from my sister, I felt like a proud mother.  Not a proud sister, a proud mother.  Weird.

I never have felt like a "mother" to my little sister before.  Sure, when my mom died, she was only 9 years old whereas my older sister and I were 13 and 15.   We were more capable of handling more responsibilities like cleaning the house, making dinners, but our most important task usually ended up being taking care of my little sister.  But still in all that, it was never a "mothering" that I did, she always felt like my little sister.

Something shifted yesterday after my niece was born. Maybe it's due to the fact that I so completely remember giving birth for the first time and feeling so lost and wondering, "Okay, what do I do now?"  I know a lot of moms feel this, maybe even some of them who do have mothers of their own.  But for me it was more of this huge void at the thought that I didn't have my mom to turn to or to call up in the middle of the night or to cry my eyes out to when I was going through Post partum depression.  I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mom like my own mom, but I had no idea what that should be.  Everyone always tells me how my mom was so wonderful with babies and children and was often the one people went to to ask for advice or encouragement.  And I didn't have that.

Yesterday, I had so many people saying to me, "Oh I'm so glad she has you to go to!!  You're a pro, having done it 3 times", but in my mind I kept thinking, "I'm not the one she should turn to!"  My mom should be here.  That ache is back again.  That ache that comes back whenever something big happens or her absence is felt so strongly again.  How I still long for my mom to be here so I can call her up and ask her questions or just rely on her amazing faith and encouragement in the tough, intense seasons as a parent (which I am in right now).

But not only do I ache for what myself and what my younger sister is now missing with being a mom without her own mother here, but I ache for what my mom is missing.  Her grand babies would have been HER LIFE!  I know she would have enjoyed them so much and it makes me sad to know that she is not here to enjoy them.  And now this new precious little baby is here.  Mom, don't worry.  I will try my best.  Even though I feel so incredibly inadequate and not sure of myself in my parenting a lot, I will love on that little girl and give my sister the encouragement and support that I'm sure you would have given.