If you have ever been around any kids at all, you know that children are very ego-centric and it is all about THEM!!! Trying to teach my 23 month old the concept of "sharing" with his older brother or the kids at storytime is quite a feat these days. Wanting things for yourself, wanting to keep the best for yourself is an action that we do without having to learn it. Seeing my son being selfish makes me smile sometimes because it is kind of funny when they are little. But as they grow, if this selfishness isn't worked on or taught it grows very, very ugly.
Have you ever been around an adult that is selfish? I mean selfish to the point that everything is about them, or they choose the best things first and never offer the best to others? Or they are the first to request of you to do something but when they are asked to help, the answer is always no? It's not really quite so "funny" anymore like it is with my 23 month old. In fact, it is quite repulsive. Having a "me first" attitude in life is not an attitude that draws people to you at all. And when you meet a selfish adult and then see their selfish child, it really does make you think about how YOU act and what YOU are teaching your child.
I have been challenged lately a lot in fact, with how important it is to model unselfishness. Is it always easy? NO WAY! There are many times when I would just like to think of myself first (honestly, that doesn't happen too much as a mom anyways) but it's always that pull of "what am I showing to my kids" by acting in this way? When I watch S and T fight over who gets to go first, or want the biggest cookie for themselves, it does make me cringe. But I have to remember that I first have to model this unselfishness to them. So if that means giving up my "me time" in the evenings to snuggle with S when she is sad about something that happened at school, then I will. If it means getting up early to make the kids their lunches for school, then I will.
Something that I also am starting with my kids is a DAILY "kindness" goal. We'll see how this goes, but I'm excited to try it with my kids. Every morning we make a specific goal and I ask them, "What is one unselfish act you are going to do today?" We have made a list together of different things that are unselfish acts and so I am sure the kids will pull from this list a lot. But my hope is that eventually they will start to think up things on their own. Here are some things on our list right now:
*Let someone else go first in line at school.
*Help someone clean up at school.
*If there is only 1 paper of a certain color left for an art project and someone else wants it to, let them have it.
*Offer to clear your brother/sisters dishes.
*Spend time playing what someone else wants to play even if it's not what you want to play.
*Offer to help with things around the house without being asked first.
I think when we start teaching our kids explicitly to be unselfish, it may surprise us how it instils in them that idea of thinking about others first.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
I want to be like this when I'm older
Tonight while I was out delivering Scentsy orders to people, I got a chance to visit with a sweet (and feisty!) 90 year old lady. She has ordered Scentsy from me before and the last time I dropped stuff off, she asked if i wanted to come in for coffee but I had to say no due to the fact that I had my 3 kids in the car! So when she called me to order again, I knew that I would make an effort to go there without my kids so I could get a chance to visit with her. I could tell that she is someone who is lonely (she lives alone) and just loves having people to talk to.
So when I dropped off her order tonight and she asked if I wanted coffee (at 7pm...not good for me!!) I said, "Of course!"
Sitting with her at her kitchen table, listening to her sharing stories from her life, I was just in awe listening to her sharing so many different experiences and events she has had. I loved listening to her share about living and raising her kids on a horse farm and all her experiences with training horses. I laughed as she shared silly stories of things her now grown kids did when they were little. She has experienced so much!
She also opened up and shared some sad stories. Stories of how her daughter lost her husband and she had 3 children to raise. I teared up as she shared about her husband of 60+ years who was living in a nursing home with alzheimers. She shared about the health issues she's had and how she was in ICU in an induced coma for 6 days and now has to have a "bag".
This woman has experienced so much. But one thing that just really touched me about this conversation was her attitude. She, who has experienced so much heartache and loneliness, kept looking at me with a smile and said, "It's been a good life. God has been so good."
I have known a lot of older people who grow more and more cynical and negative as they grow older. You know them, the "Grumpy Old Men (or women!)" who have allowed experiences and life situations to harden them and make them complain and they speak with negativity.
I want to be like this lady I talked with today. A lady who chose to look at the blessings in her life and not focus on the heartache. A woman who had every "right" to be hardened or bitter about some of the hands she's been dealt in life, but instead, she chose to be thankful. She chose to share both the good and the bad with me but with such a gentle and positive attitude. She was such an encouragement to me and I came away from this conversation thinking, "I want to be like her when I am older".
So when I dropped off her order tonight and she asked if I wanted coffee (at 7pm...not good for me!!) I said, "Of course!"
Sitting with her at her kitchen table, listening to her sharing stories from her life, I was just in awe listening to her sharing so many different experiences and events she has had. I loved listening to her share about living and raising her kids on a horse farm and all her experiences with training horses. I laughed as she shared silly stories of things her now grown kids did when they were little. She has experienced so much!
She also opened up and shared some sad stories. Stories of how her daughter lost her husband and she had 3 children to raise. I teared up as she shared about her husband of 60+ years who was living in a nursing home with alzheimers. She shared about the health issues she's had and how she was in ICU in an induced coma for 6 days and now has to have a "bag".
This woman has experienced so much. But one thing that just really touched me about this conversation was her attitude. She, who has experienced so much heartache and loneliness, kept looking at me with a smile and said, "It's been a good life. God has been so good."
I have known a lot of older people who grow more and more cynical and negative as they grow older. You know them, the "Grumpy Old Men (or women!)" who have allowed experiences and life situations to harden them and make them complain and they speak with negativity.
I want to be like this lady I talked with today. A lady who chose to look at the blessings in her life and not focus on the heartache. A woman who had every "right" to be hardened or bitter about some of the hands she's been dealt in life, but instead, she chose to be thankful. She chose to share both the good and the bad with me but with such a gentle and positive attitude. She was such an encouragement to me and I came away from this conversation thinking, "I want to be like her when I am older".
Sunday, February 9, 2014
It's okay to say No
We live in a culture that seems to be afraid to say "no" to their children. I have read so many parenting books/articles/blogs that seem to give the advice that saying no to your child is horrible and that your child need to be able to make choices on their own or just generally it's a bad idea to say no to them. To me, this has always been very difficult to understand this philosophy. Yes, there are times that instead of saying the words "No" to my children, I will say other things that essentially mean "No" but I believe it is so important for kids to have boundaries in place and NEED boundaries in place. Today I read a blog post that I thought hit the nail on the head on this topic and I wanted to post the link on here because I think it is so important and right on.
Here's the link:
What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want
Here's the link:
What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
The Power of a Mother's Words
Today I was reminded again, the incredible power that words said in anger/frustration can have. We all know that words are a powerful weapon. They can cut you right to the core of who you are and leave you with a wound that sometimes doesn't heal properly. They can also fill that empty heart with love and with acceptance and belonging.
I know I have fallen into the category of "words spoken quickly out of frustration" and I instantly regret them because I know that words can be forever etched in someone's heart and mind. I find that when I am in a rush (probably mostly due to my own planning issues), that the frustrated words can just fly like zingers and the aftermath is tears from everyone. How many times do I kick myself after those words come flying out of my mouth when I realize the damage that those little words can have on one so little? I end up apologizing to my kids and hugging them so tightly and saying how even mommies still mess up and I'm working on it. I still remember to this day words that have been spoken to me from a very young age. Some harsh words that still are imprinted and I have to really push past those memories and not dwell on them or they can still bother me even now. But I also remember other words spoken out of love and care. One of the very last conversations I had with my mom was 2 days before she died. She was in a lot of pain and it was just me and her in the hospital room. I felt scared and nervous and uncomfortable because she was so different (she was on so much pain medication). A nurse came in and started talking to me and asking me questions about what I wanted to do when I was older (okay, who asks that of a 13 year old girl when her mother is days away from dying?). I told her, "I don't know." From the hospital bed, my mom piped up, "Yes, you do. You are going to be a teacher.". A teacher? Sure, I always played teacher with my little sister and taught her how to read, but never had I really imagined myself doing that. But oh how those words always stuck with me and I tried to run from them, but well, if you know me, you know that I spent 10 years as a classroom teacher and am now a substitute teacher. The power of words.
The situation that came up today when I once again realized the power of words was with a boy in the 5th grade class that I was substituting for. This was my 2nd day in a row in this class so I kind of had a feel for the different personalities that were in the class and had already learned some of the students backgrounds. This one boy came in today and right away went to his desk and put his head down and started crying. I knew a bit about this boys background and knew that his parents recently split up and there is a huge custody battle and he hasn't seen his dad (not biological) in months. I went up to him and asked if I could help. He said, "My mom was mad at me this morning because I kept forgetting my stuff and I was taking too long to get ready. I always forget stuff and she gets so mad. This morning she told me that she is going to have me moved to a Special Needs class because I'm not smart and can't do anything. She said that I may not be in this class after today because of how I just mess up all the time." I was shocked....this poor boy who had been through this huge emotional upheaval and from all my interactions with him, seemed a very bright and confident boy, was reduced to tears by horribly harsh words from his mother. This mother who probably had to deal with a slow son in the mornings for many years and for whatever reason couldn't handle it this morning. But the power of those words and the harshness in which they were spoken were all this boy was able to think about for awhile this morning. I doubt those words are going to just disappear but I'm sure they will be in his memory for a long time.
Please...and this is a post to myself as well...the next time your little one is taking too long getting ready, or gets distracted when you are in a hurry to leave, or spills their milk all over the table; close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine the look on their face when you speak harshly to them and do whatever you can to put a smile on your face and speak with love, whether you may feel it at the moment or not. Words can cut, words can tear down, and a mother's words are even more powerful than we ever can know.
I know I have fallen into the category of "words spoken quickly out of frustration" and I instantly regret them because I know that words can be forever etched in someone's heart and mind. I find that when I am in a rush (probably mostly due to my own planning issues), that the frustrated words can just fly like zingers and the aftermath is tears from everyone. How many times do I kick myself after those words come flying out of my mouth when I realize the damage that those little words can have on one so little? I end up apologizing to my kids and hugging them so tightly and saying how even mommies still mess up and I'm working on it. I still remember to this day words that have been spoken to me from a very young age. Some harsh words that still are imprinted and I have to really push past those memories and not dwell on them or they can still bother me even now. But I also remember other words spoken out of love and care. One of the very last conversations I had with my mom was 2 days before she died. She was in a lot of pain and it was just me and her in the hospital room. I felt scared and nervous and uncomfortable because she was so different (she was on so much pain medication). A nurse came in and started talking to me and asking me questions about what I wanted to do when I was older (okay, who asks that of a 13 year old girl when her mother is days away from dying?). I told her, "I don't know." From the hospital bed, my mom piped up, "Yes, you do. You are going to be a teacher.". A teacher? Sure, I always played teacher with my little sister and taught her how to read, but never had I really imagined myself doing that. But oh how those words always stuck with me and I tried to run from them, but well, if you know me, you know that I spent 10 years as a classroom teacher and am now a substitute teacher. The power of words.
The situation that came up today when I once again realized the power of words was with a boy in the 5th grade class that I was substituting for. This was my 2nd day in a row in this class so I kind of had a feel for the different personalities that were in the class and had already learned some of the students backgrounds. This one boy came in today and right away went to his desk and put his head down and started crying. I knew a bit about this boys background and knew that his parents recently split up and there is a huge custody battle and he hasn't seen his dad (not biological) in months. I went up to him and asked if I could help. He said, "My mom was mad at me this morning because I kept forgetting my stuff and I was taking too long to get ready. I always forget stuff and she gets so mad. This morning she told me that she is going to have me moved to a Special Needs class because I'm not smart and can't do anything. She said that I may not be in this class after today because of how I just mess up all the time." I was shocked....this poor boy who had been through this huge emotional upheaval and from all my interactions with him, seemed a very bright and confident boy, was reduced to tears by horribly harsh words from his mother. This mother who probably had to deal with a slow son in the mornings for many years and for whatever reason couldn't handle it this morning. But the power of those words and the harshness in which they were spoken were all this boy was able to think about for awhile this morning. I doubt those words are going to just disappear but I'm sure they will be in his memory for a long time.
Please...and this is a post to myself as well...the next time your little one is taking too long getting ready, or gets distracted when you are in a hurry to leave, or spills their milk all over the table; close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine the look on their face when you speak harshly to them and do whatever you can to put a smile on your face and speak with love, whether you may feel it at the moment or not. Words can cut, words can tear down, and a mother's words are even more powerful than we ever can know.
Monday, February 3, 2014
If I could go back...
Looking at my "babies" now, my heart aches thinking about how time has just zoomed by so fast, in a blur! Wasn't it just yesterday I was holding my brand new baby girl and looking into her precious face? And here she is, almost 8 years old.
Having gone through the "baby phase" 3 times, I feel I have changed and "morphed" into the mom I am now because of the situations I had to face. How I parented my first child was SO different than how I parented my 3rd. I wish SO many times that I could go back and re-live those newborn days (which were a HUGE struggle for me with my first 2 kids). I enjoyed my 3rd baby's newborn days soooo much more and sometimes it makes me sad to think that I missed out on so much with my first 2 because I was desperate to get it "right". Whatever that means!
If I could go back to my daughter's baby days, and even my first son's newborn stage, I would do things SO different. And most of these I learned after I had my 3rd baby and enjoyed him so much more (even though he was a fussy baby too).
If I could go back:
1) I would hold my babies so much more. I was so stressed out that I was ruining my baby's sleep habits because I was holding them too much, that I never enjoyed holding them much.
2) I would throw out all my books about parenting and babies. Yes, I gleaned a lot of information but that information made me go nuts and when things weren't going as the books said it should go, it would send me into a emotional tailspin which usually had me end up on my bed crying in a fetal position.
3) I wouldn't stress so much about their sleep (easier said than done when you are a sleep deprived mama!) But I was so worried about how they were sleeping and how much time they were awake and should they be sleeping this long, that my life revolved around their sleep and I felt tied down to that "routine" I created. Yes, I am ALL for routine, but when that routine governed every single moment of my life, it became an obsession.
4) I would take more time to stare at their little faces while they slept in my arms...these precious faces that grow up so quickly. Cherish those peaceful moments.
I don't know what stage you are in. Whether you are a mama like I am, who is looking back at how fast things went by as you see how big your children are getting. Or if you are a new mom who is severely sleep deprived and don't have a clue what you are doing. Just know...these precious little beings who make us cry more than we thought we would, yet brings us amazing joy at the same time, will grow up in a blink of an eye. Treasure each moment. And love and cuddle your baby without worrying about anything else. You don't want to have those regrets when you watch them go off to school for the first time, or when they go to their first sleepover. Know that you loved them and cherished each of those precious baby moments...and that "this too shall pass" when you are in the midst of colic or refluxing babies (like I had!).
Having gone through the "baby phase" 3 times, I feel I have changed and "morphed" into the mom I am now because of the situations I had to face. How I parented my first child was SO different than how I parented my 3rd. I wish SO many times that I could go back and re-live those newborn days (which were a HUGE struggle for me with my first 2 kids). I enjoyed my 3rd baby's newborn days soooo much more and sometimes it makes me sad to think that I missed out on so much with my first 2 because I was desperate to get it "right". Whatever that means!
If I could go back to my daughter's baby days, and even my first son's newborn stage, I would do things SO different. And most of these I learned after I had my 3rd baby and enjoyed him so much more (even though he was a fussy baby too).
If I could go back:
1) I would hold my babies so much more. I was so stressed out that I was ruining my baby's sleep habits because I was holding them too much, that I never enjoyed holding them much.
2) I would throw out all my books about parenting and babies. Yes, I gleaned a lot of information but that information made me go nuts and when things weren't going as the books said it should go, it would send me into a emotional tailspin which usually had me end up on my bed crying in a fetal position.
3) I wouldn't stress so much about their sleep (easier said than done when you are a sleep deprived mama!) But I was so worried about how they were sleeping and how much time they were awake and should they be sleeping this long, that my life revolved around their sleep and I felt tied down to that "routine" I created. Yes, I am ALL for routine, but when that routine governed every single moment of my life, it became an obsession.
4) I would take more time to stare at their little faces while they slept in my arms...these precious faces that grow up so quickly. Cherish those peaceful moments.
I don't know what stage you are in. Whether you are a mama like I am, who is looking back at how fast things went by as you see how big your children are getting. Or if you are a new mom who is severely sleep deprived and don't have a clue what you are doing. Just know...these precious little beings who make us cry more than we thought we would, yet brings us amazing joy at the same time, will grow up in a blink of an eye. Treasure each moment. And love and cuddle your baby without worrying about anything else. You don't want to have those regrets when you watch them go off to school for the first time, or when they go to their first sleepover. Know that you loved them and cherished each of those precious baby moments...and that "this too shall pass" when you are in the midst of colic or refluxing babies (like I had!).
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Stretched too thin
Today was one of those where I wanted to throw in the towel. ENOUGH! ALL DONE!! Ooh, I was tempted. It was one of those days where I just really felt defeated as a parent, ever have those days?? What I wouldn't GIVE to be able to lay on the floor and kick and scream like 2 of my 3 children decided to do today. There's probably something about that release of emotion that is freeing. At least I tell myself that when I watch my boys (or mostly my 4.5 year old) do this over and over today.
I took on a teaching job at my former school today. A school where I worked for 9 years, a school that eventually lead me to quit my job and stay at home with my kids and just do subbing here and there. It was a rough day. A day that reminded me just why I quit my job there. Driving home to pick up my boys from the baby-sitters, I was trying to shake off the feelings of defeat as it was a tough tough day and I just felt really down. I just wanted to get home to see my kids. Being around them and hugging them after not seeing them all day always does something to my soul. When I got to the baby-sitter, I go right up to T and ruffle up his hair. He turns and takes one look at me and melts down yelling and crying, "I don't want to go! I don't want to go!". He keeps saying this as he is slithering all over the floor. I was SO embarrassed! But also on the verge of tears. I had to carry him out to the car (remember, he is 4.5, I'm not talking about my nearly 2 year old). Hello son, happy to see you too!
Just one of those days where I feel like I just am not making it in any of the areas of my life. I hate feeling like this and praying that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a fresh new day. A new start. It can only get better right?
I took on a teaching job at my former school today. A school where I worked for 9 years, a school that eventually lead me to quit my job and stay at home with my kids and just do subbing here and there. It was a rough day. A day that reminded me just why I quit my job there. Driving home to pick up my boys from the baby-sitters, I was trying to shake off the feelings of defeat as it was a tough tough day and I just felt really down. I just wanted to get home to see my kids. Being around them and hugging them after not seeing them all day always does something to my soul. When I got to the baby-sitter, I go right up to T and ruffle up his hair. He turns and takes one look at me and melts down yelling and crying, "I don't want to go! I don't want to go!". He keeps saying this as he is slithering all over the floor. I was SO embarrassed! But also on the verge of tears. I had to carry him out to the car (remember, he is 4.5, I'm not talking about my nearly 2 year old). Hello son, happy to see you too!
Just one of those days where I feel like I just am not making it in any of the areas of my life. I hate feeling like this and praying that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a fresh new day. A new start. It can only get better right?
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Ache of loss
Yesterday was such a special day in our family. My "little sister" had her first baby, a sweet little girl! I felt like a mother all day, worrying about her, especially when I didn't hear any news for about 6 hours (that was especially hard for someone like me!), and when I did finally get the call from my sister, I felt like a proud mother. Not a proud sister, a proud mother. Weird.
I never have felt like a "mother" to my little sister before. Sure, when my mom died, she was only 9 years old whereas my older sister and I were 13 and 15. We were more capable of handling more responsibilities like cleaning the house, making dinners, but our most important task usually ended up being taking care of my little sister. But still in all that, it was never a "mothering" that I did, she always felt like my little sister.
Something shifted yesterday after my niece was born. Maybe it's due to the fact that I so completely remember giving birth for the first time and feeling so lost and wondering, "Okay, what do I do now?" I know a lot of moms feel this, maybe even some of them who do have mothers of their own. But for me it was more of this huge void at the thought that I didn't have my mom to turn to or to call up in the middle of the night or to cry my eyes out to when I was going through Post partum depression. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mom like my own mom, but I had no idea what that should be. Everyone always tells me how my mom was so wonderful with babies and children and was often the one people went to to ask for advice or encouragement. And I didn't have that.
Yesterday, I had so many people saying to me, "Oh I'm so glad she has you to go to!! You're a pro, having done it 3 times", but in my mind I kept thinking, "I'm not the one she should turn to!" My mom should be here. That ache is back again. That ache that comes back whenever something big happens or her absence is felt so strongly again. How I still long for my mom to be here so I can call her up and ask her questions or just rely on her amazing faith and encouragement in the tough, intense seasons as a parent (which I am in right now).
But not only do I ache for what myself and what my younger sister is now missing with being a mom without her own mother here, but I ache for what my mom is missing. Her grand babies would have been HER LIFE! I know she would have enjoyed them so much and it makes me sad to know that she is not here to enjoy them. And now this new precious little baby is here. Mom, don't worry. I will try my best. Even though I feel so incredibly inadequate and not sure of myself in my parenting a lot, I will love on that little girl and give my sister the encouragement and support that I'm sure you would have given.
I never have felt like a "mother" to my little sister before. Sure, when my mom died, she was only 9 years old whereas my older sister and I were 13 and 15. We were more capable of handling more responsibilities like cleaning the house, making dinners, but our most important task usually ended up being taking care of my little sister. But still in all that, it was never a "mothering" that I did, she always felt like my little sister.
Something shifted yesterday after my niece was born. Maybe it's due to the fact that I so completely remember giving birth for the first time and feeling so lost and wondering, "Okay, what do I do now?" I know a lot of moms feel this, maybe even some of them who do have mothers of their own. But for me it was more of this huge void at the thought that I didn't have my mom to turn to or to call up in the middle of the night or to cry my eyes out to when I was going through Post partum depression. I remember the feeling of wanting to be a mom like my own mom, but I had no idea what that should be. Everyone always tells me how my mom was so wonderful with babies and children and was often the one people went to to ask for advice or encouragement. And I didn't have that.
Yesterday, I had so many people saying to me, "Oh I'm so glad she has you to go to!! You're a pro, having done it 3 times", but in my mind I kept thinking, "I'm not the one she should turn to!" My mom should be here. That ache is back again. That ache that comes back whenever something big happens or her absence is felt so strongly again. How I still long for my mom to be here so I can call her up and ask her questions or just rely on her amazing faith and encouragement in the tough, intense seasons as a parent (which I am in right now).
But not only do I ache for what myself and what my younger sister is now missing with being a mom without her own mother here, but I ache for what my mom is missing. Her grand babies would have been HER LIFE! I know she would have enjoyed them so much and it makes me sad to know that she is not here to enjoy them. And now this new precious little baby is here. Mom, don't worry. I will try my best. Even though I feel so incredibly inadequate and not sure of myself in my parenting a lot, I will love on that little girl and give my sister the encouragement and support that I'm sure you would have given.
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